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               BEEFART & CHEENKAW - WORLD OF THE UNCANNY



         1     HOUSE OF THE UNCANNY                                     1

               The film opens with the house of the uncanny
               opening sequence and Nathaniel Weisburg introducing
               tonight's episode...

                                   NATHANIEL WEISBURG
                         Good evening and welcome to
                         The House of the Uncanny, I
                         am Nathaniel Weisburg.
                         Tonight is a very special
                         episode of House of the
                         Uncanny. You will see sights
                         that you never thought
                         possible. Experience things
                         so unbelievably diabolical
                         that they defy the definition
                         of diabolical, you will be
                         treated to a terror that only
                         lives in the blackest of
                         heart and you will get
                         shivers down your spine like
                         that of a thousand skeletons
                         walking over your grave. The
                         incidents that are about to
                         be seen are a reenactment of
                         a true tale.. And this film
                         has been lost for over 60
                         years... It was only played
                         once.. In the basement of a
                         haunted house. That night, a
                         fire consumed everyone there,
                         and the only print of the
                         film was thought to be gone
                         forever. But I, Nathaniel
                         Weisburg have found it for
                         you to witness.
                         Some say it is cursed, and
                         others fear that the souls of
                         those who worked on the film
                         will punish anyone who dares
                         to witness this bit of
                         history. Please enjoy this
                         presentation of...



         2     BEEFART AND CHEENKAW WATCHING HOUSE OF THE UNCANNY       2

               You can see that the previous scene is just a
               program on the television in Beefart & Cheenkaw's
               office. Nathaniel Weisburg finished his sentence
               'Blood in the Sink' and the movie starts. Cheenkaw
               speaks over the title.

                                   CHEENKAW
                         This guy doesn't know what he
                         is talking about.. He's a
                         charlatan and a fool. 

                                   BEEFART
                         You said it Cheenkaw. He must
                         make all this stuff up. I'm
                         sure I have seen this movie
                         before. Lost for 60 years my
                         foot!

                                   CHEENKAW
                         Never the less Beefart,
                         Watching a good film about
                         supernatural terrors makes a
                         nice quiet change of pace
                         from having to deal with it
                         in person. Now give me a
                         bloody doughnut and lets
                         watch a fantastic film old
                         friend!

               Beefart hands him a doughnut.

                                   BEEFART
                         Let's do it!



         3     OPENING CREDITS                                          3

               Some kind of stylized credits that do not take very
               long to roll.



         4     MYSTIC KATE'S HUT                                        4
               Laura McKnees is passed out under a blanket, she is
               in Mystic Kate's hut, there is stuff everywhere.
               Laura is hurt badly. Mystic Kate is an older woman
               who wears mystical clothes, she is tending to
               Laura's wounds. Laura suddenly opens her eyes.

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         I was beginning to think you
                         might never wake up again.

                                   LAURA MCKNEES
                         Where am I.. Who are you?

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         My name's Kate. I found you
                         washed up by the lake.. You
                         were beaten up pretty bad.
                         That was 3 days ago. Do you
                         have a name?

               Laura thinks for a while.

                                   LAURA MCKNEES
                         I can't remember.. I can't
                         remember anything! 

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         That's alright dear.. I'm not
                         surprised considering the
                         state your head was in when I
                         found you. Someone took an
                         awful beating to you and left
                         you for dead in the lake it
                         seems.

                                   LAURA MCKNEES
                         It's not alright! I don't
                         even know who I am!
                         I might have a family.. Or I
                         don't know.. What ever people
                         have!

               She checks her pants.

                                   LAURA MCKNEES (cont'd)
                         I didn't have a wallet..
                         Nothing at all to identify
                         me?

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         No.. Nothing at all.. You
                         were holding on to this...
                            (She reaches and
                              grabs for the
                              device, which is now
                              broken)
                         But I don't know what it is,
                         either way, it's broken
                         whatever it was.

                                   LAURA MCKNEES
                         What should I do?

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         Well first things first, you
                         need a name... Any ideas?

                                   LAURA MCKNEES
                         What was your name again?

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         Kate.

                                   LAURA MCKNEES
                         That's a nice name.

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         And it's mine.. Try again.

                                   LAURA MCKNEES
                         I have no idea.
                            (she swats a mosquito
                              that has landed on
                              her arm)
                         How about Mosquito.

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         Mosquito it is then.

                                   LAURA MCKNEES
                         No, I was only joking.

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         Too late.. Your name's
                         Mosquito. It's a good name..
                         Suits you.. You had hundreds
                         of them on you when I found
                         you. Makes sense.

                                   LAURA MCKNEES
                         No.. I was just being silly.

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         What's done is done.. You be
                         Mosquito, and I be Kate, and
                         you still have some recovery
                         to get through before we get
                         down to business.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         Fine. Wait.. What business?

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         I saved your life young lady,
                         and I expect you to return
                         the favour.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         Don't think I don't
                         appreciate it.. Because I do.
                         But this isn't anything
                         creepy is it?

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         Nothing like that. It'll
                         benefit you as much as me..
                         Trust me. In a lot of ways...
                         I've been waiting for you all
                         my life, Mosquito. 

               The Mosquito thinks about what Kate has told her
               and nods with some sort of agreement that she
               barely understands. She lays back down to get some
               more sleep.



         5     SILK AND MARLA'S HOUSE                                   5

               Silk and Marla live in a very small room in
               someone's house. Marla is putting on make up in a
               mirror and getting ready for work. Silk comes
               through the door.

                                   MARLA
                         Getting home just as I'm
                         leaving for work... I thought
                         you were off like 4 hours
                         ago.

               Silk is in a bit of a daze.

                                   SILK
                         Yeah.. I think I was.

                                   MARLA
                         Man.. Ever since you started
                         that job you have been weird
                         and tired all the time. Do
                         you even remember what you
                         did all day?

                                   SILK
                         Yeah. I was at work.. At the
                         TV station.. You know.. Doing
                         TV station stuff. I don't
                         know.

                                   MARLA
                            (Quizzing him)
                         What's your boss's name?

                                   SILK
                         I don't know...

                                   MARLA
                         What's the name of the
                         program you work on?

                                   SILK
                         Something stupid.

                                   MARLA
                         How much do you get paid?

                                   SILK
                         Umm... They haven't told me
                         yet.. I don't think.

                                   MARLA
                         These are a lot of things you
                         don't seems to know about a
                         place you go every day for
                         like 12 hours.

                                   SILK
                         That is a bit odd isn't it?

                                   MARLA
                         Do you want me to come down
                         there with you some day and
                         see what's happening?

                                   SILK
                         No.. No.. This is silly.. I
                         am just working too hard..
                         Besides you would never get
                         past the security.

                                   MARLA
                         Security? Can't I just go in
                         for a tour or something?

                                   SILK
                         I don't think so.. I don't
                         think it's like that.

                                   MARLA
                         Well, this is freaky and
                         weird, and maybe you just
                         shouldn't keep going to a
                         place that doesn't seem to
                         even exist.

                                   SILK
                         It's okay... We need to money
                         to pay for this stupid
                         expensive room anyway. And
                         lucky charms.. I like lucky
                         charms. You wouldn't want me
                         to starve.

                                   MARLA
                         Well.. After we finish up
                         this case, I'm gonna ask the
                         guys to look in to your
                         work.. No one would ever
                         know.

                                   SILK
                         Just don't get me fired.

                                   MARLA
                         Don't worry... They will be
                         discrete.. They are masters
                         of the art of detection.



         6     BEEFART AND CHEENKAW IN A FOREST                         6

               Beefart & Cheenkaw are in a forest waiting for
               Marla.

                                   BEEFART
                         Where the hell is she.. She
                         was supposed to be here like
                         7 minutes ago.

                                   CHEENKAW
                         Easy my friend, she will show
                         up.. She always does. And in
                         the mean time.. I have a plan
                         to help draw out the elusive
                         Goat Man from hiding.

                                   BEEFART
                         Are you sure you want to do
                         that before the whole trap
                         has been set?

                                   CHEENKAW
                         Don't worry about a thing,
                         this will only stir up his
                         nerves a bit. I estimate that
                         Marla will arrive in 5
                         minutes giving us plenty of
                         time to avoid becoming the
                         latest victims. Now watch
                         closely Beefart, During my
                         time at the Maui county
                         sheriff's department I was
                         put in contact with a man by
                         the name of Peter the
                         Feeder.. And he taught me
                         this extremely accurate goat
                         call.

               Cheenkaw makes an extremely accurate goat call. The
               Goat man, who is about 50 feet away and eating a
               human body part looks up, drops the body part and
               starts sniffing the air and walking around.

                                   BEEFART
                         Cheenkaw, you astound me with
                         your abilities and charm.

                                   CHEENKAW
                         Beefart, I know. 

               Just then Marla comes up from behind them.

                                   MARLA
                         Sorry I'm late, Something
                         strange is up with my
                         boyfriend's work.

                                   BEEFART
                         We will sort that out for you
                         in due time Marla... Right
                         now we need you to lay on the
                         ground over there and cry
                         like a baby. Don't worry, we
                         will be right here. 

                                   MARLA
                         Alright.. But next time it's
                         your turn Beefart.

                                   BEEFART
                         Marla, it was my turn last
                         time.

               Marla runs over a few feet away, lays on the ground
               and cries like a baby while Beefart and Cheenkaw
               hide behind a tree. The Goat man sees Marla and
               starts in closer to her.

                                   CHEENKAW
                         Beefart, you better get out
                         the Goat Man immobilizer that
                         we spent all last week
                         making.

                                   BEEFART
                         I thought you brought it.

               They look at each other.

                                   CHEENKAW
                         No worries.. We can do this
                         the old fashioned way.

                                   BEEFART
                         Ten Four Cheenkaw.

               Beefart grabs a branch and runs at the Goat Man
               just as he is about to pounce on Marla. Beefart
               starts hitting him with it over and over.

                                   BEEFART (cont'd)
                         You're a BAD Goat Man!

               Cheenkaw walks over and handcuffs him.

                                   MARLA
                         Where is the Goat Man
                         Immobilizer that I spent all
                         last week making?

                                   CHEENKAW
                         We scrapped the Immobilizer
                         idea and went with the branch
                         hitting idea.. He seemed like
                         less of a threat that we had
                         first imagined.

                                   MARLA
                         But he has killed 17 people!

                                   BEEFART
                         But he hasn't killed us.. and
                         he won't be killing anyone
                         ever again.. Will you Goat
                         Man?

               The Goat Man just makes goat noises.



         7     THE MOSQUITO IS BORN... AGAIN!                           7

               The Mosquito and Mystic Kate are in the hut having
               tea. 

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         There's evil in this world,
                         Mosquito. Like the evil that
                         took away your past. Some
                         evil makes sense, some evil
                         has a beginning a middle and
                         an end.
                         Some times you can get to the
                         root of it, pull it out and
                         understand how it grows. But
                         sometimes evil is just evil.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         I don't understand what you
                         are getting at.

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         There's a very bad man in
                         this world. He plants evil,
                         lets it grow and uses it to
                         season his soup.. If you get
                         my meaning.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         No.. Please explain further.

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         The name of this evil is...
                         Maybe I shouldn't say it out
                         loud. I'm not a paranoid
                         woman, and I'm not weak...
                         I'd break your arm if you
                         gave me reason.. But this man
                         is at the root of it all, and
                         he needs to be stopped. 

               Mystic Kate writes down the name on a piece of
               paper and hands it to The Mosquito.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         How does this all concern me?

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         Mosquito.. When you first
                         came back to the waking
                         world, I told you that you
                         would owe me a debt. I've
                         thought it over, and I would
                         like to change that. What I
                         would like from you,
                         Mosquito, is a favour.
                         If you don't want to do this
                         task willingly, you won't do
                         it with your heart. And the
                         only thing that could
                         vanquish this kind of evil is
                         a pure heart.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         You want me to defeat this
                         man for you? But I am just a
                         person.. For all I know I
                         might be nothing but a banker
                         or something. From what I
                         have seen, Kate, you are a
                         heck of a lot more capable
                         than I would be for a task
                         such as this.

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         That's only part two of the
                         favour. You see, Mosquito,
                         back in the old days, they
                         called me Mystic Kate. Would
                         you like to guess why.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         Maybe because you were mystic
                         somehow?

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         Indeed. Actually I was the
                         most powerful mystic who ever
                         lived... For a time. Before
                         he took that away from me.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         Go on...

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         All my powers were stolen by
                         that man, and I have lived
                         without them ever since. That
                         was over 25 years ago.
                         But what that man didn't know
                         was that I had just a little
                         bit of magic left over.. In
                         the toe of my boot. And
                         Mosquito, I have been holding
                         on to it this whole time.
                         Waiting for a champion to
                         help me.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         And you think I'm that
                         champion?

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         I do. I could see it in your
                         mosquito filled eyes when I
                         pulled you out of the river.
                         You have life in you! Anyone
                         else would have died, given
                         up, and drown. But there was
                         something inside you forcing
                         you to hold on.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         That doesn't make me a
                         champion.

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         But a little something in the
                         bottom of a 25 year old boot
                         might.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         What do you suggest?

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         I suggest I use the very last
                         of my powers on you to make
                         you that champion.. My
                         champion.. champion of the
                         world. 

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                            (looking at the paper
                              she was given and
                              seriously
                              considering what she
                              had just been told)
                         I'll do it.

               You can see the paper now.. It has the name
               Nathaniel Weisburg written on it.



         8     BEEFART AND CHEENKAW'S OFFICE                            8

               Beefart & Cheenkaw have a beautiful office. They
               have been doing great work recently and made a lot
               more money than they are used to. Beefart, Cheenkaw
               and Marla are all sitting down hanging out.

                                   CHEENKAW
                         Now that the Goat Man is
                         behind bars I suggest we
                         order in some chinese food
                         and have a small celebration.

                                   BEEFART
                         Agreed. Marla, would you
                         please do us the honors?

                                   MARLA
                         Sure thing guys.

               She turns around towards the phone and it starts
               ringing.

                                   BEEFART
                         You don't think that is
                         Wong's house of Spicy meat
                         and beans calling us do you? 

                                   CHEENKAW
                         Beefart! Wong may be a
                         powerful psychic, but that is
                         going too far.

                                   BEEFART
                         You're right Cheenkaw..
                         You're right.

               Marla gets the phone.

                                   MARLA
                         Oh hi Chief.
                            (Put's her hand over
                              the phone and looks
                              over to Beefart and
                              Cheenkaw and
                              whispers loudly)
                         It's the Chief. Yeah.. How's
                         your wound? Thats good.
                         Okay.. Okay.. I'll let them
                         know.

               Marla hangs up the phone.

                                   MARLA (cont'd)
                         The Chief wanted to thank you
                         for capturing the Goat Man,
                         and he wanted to warn you
                         that there is rumor of a lot
                         of potential robberies going
                         down soon.

                                   BEEFART
                         I'm getting a little tired of
                         doing the Police's work for
                         them frankly.

                                   CHEENKAW
                         At least we are getting
                         steady pay. But I know what
                         you mean. Like do those lazy
                         bastards do anything at all
                         any more?

                                   MARLA
                         We don't have time for any of
                         our own clients any more.
                         And actually Cheenkaw, we
                         would be making more money if
                         we concentrated on those
                         people rather than doing the
                         police work.

                                   BEEFART
                         Regardless, we still need to
                         celebrate. Marla, would you
                         mind Calling Wong's? 

                                   MARLA
                         Sorry guys, I have to go see
                         my Astrophysics Professor and
                         go over my paper with him..
                         I'm already late.

                                   CHEENKAW
                         Next time then Marla, you
                         shall have a feast with us
                         and celebrate our victory.

                                   MARLA
                         Okay! See you guys!

               Marla leaves in a hurry.

                                   CHEENKAW
                         Shall we call Wong's, old
                         friend?

                                   BEEFART
                         You better believe it.



         9     THE MOSQUITO IS BORN YET AGAIN........                   9

               There is a blinding light and when it dies down you
               can see that The Mosquito is now in exciting new
               clothes and looks far more like a super hero.
               Mystic Kate looks burnt out.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         I can feel the power coursing
                         through my body.. It is
                         unbelievable!

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         You are truly the hero I was
                         waiting for, Mosquito. Now
                         go.. Go to the city and
                         defeat our enemy.

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         You are coming to.. Aren't
                         you?

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         I must stay here and gather
                         my strength, the spell took
                         much out of me that I need to
                         put back. I am only but a
                         thought away. 

                                   THE MOSQUITO
                         I will stay in contact, Kate.
                         You are a true friend.

               The Mosquito leaves.

                                   MYSTIC KATE
                         Good luck...
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