BEEFART AND CHEENKAW 2
The movie opens with a HEAR SEE READ story book
version of Beefart & Cheenkaw's past adventures.
SCENE 1 - THE MURDER OF LAURA MCKNEES - DARK ALLEYWAY
Beefart, Cheenkaw and Laura McKnees are in a dark
alley looking around.
Beefart
I'm sure I saw Ghost Master
head down this way.
Laura
Are you sure you didn't see a
doughnut?
Cheenkaw
Excuse me Laura, but did you
say Beefart saw a doughnut
float down this alley way?
BEEFART
Perhaps the doughnut is after
Ghost Master the same as us...
LAURA
There wasn't really a doughnut,
I was just making fun of
Beefart.
CHEENKAW
Doughnuts aren't a laughing
matter Laura McKnees.
BEEFART
Why are you looking for a
doughnut anyway? We are
supposed to be searching for
Ghost Master.
CHEENKAW
Beefart is right, we should
really stop looking for
doughnuts and try to locate the
exact position of Ghost Master.
LAURA
There is NO doughnut!
CHEENKAW
Not yet, but if we catch Ghost
Master, I suggest we celebrate
with some doughnuts.. and then
the doughnut population of our
life will expand exponentially.
BEEFART
Cheenkaw, that is a fantastic
plan...
LAURA
Will you two shut up about
doughnuts for a minute?
CHEENKAW
According to my memory, you are
the one who brought up
doughnuts in the first place.
BEEFART
I'm hungry.
CHEENKAW
Perhaps if we split up we will
find Ghost Master faster.
BEEFART
Not only does that rhyme, but
it is a good plan.
LAURA
alright, lets do this thing.
BEEFART
Hot dog!
CHEENKAW
Lets roll!
LAURA
I'm going this way.
CHEENKAW
I'll go this way... Beefart,
you come with me.
LAURA
I thought we were splitting up!
CHEENKAW
We are splitting up.. you go
that way, me and Beefart will
go this way.
LAURA
Fine by me.
Laura wanders off down the dark ally by herself.
BEEFART
Cheenkaw.
CHEENKAW
Yes old friend?
BEEFART
Maybe at our celebration party
we could also get one of those
boxes of coffee.
CHEENKAW
Box of coffee??
BEEFART
yeah, they have these boxes of
coffee.. it's like a box that
hold an entire pot of coffee.
CHEENKAW
That sounds amazing.. we will
look in to that further once
the villainous Ghost Master has
been captured.
BEEFART
Alright old friend!
Suddenly they hear Laura McKnees scream.
BEEFART (CONT'D)
What was that?
CHEENKAW
I think it was Laura... come
this way...
They run off and find Laura McKnees Mangled body.
Beefart drops to his knees and shakes his fists at
the sky.
BEEFART
Damn you Ghost Master! Damn you
to hell!
Cheenkaw is in shock.
CHEENKAW
This is all my fault.. I should
have never said we should split
up.. BEEFART! It's all my
fault!
SCENE 2 - CHEENKAW GIVES IT UP - CHEENKAW'S DINING
ROOM HQ
In Cheenkaw's kitchen Cheenkaw and Beefart sit at the
table.. they have been using this as an office
area... Beefart has some coffee and doughnuts.
BEEFART
Cheenkaw... You had no idea
Ghost Master would kill Laura..
this isn't your fault.
CHEENKAW
Isn't my fault? I told her to
go off alone in a dark ally
where I knew there was a
vicious supernatural murderer!
It is my fault..
BEEFART
Here.. have a doughnut... it
will make you feel better.
CHEENKAW
I don't want your crappy
doughnut! I want our friend
Laura McKnees to come back! But
she can't, can she? It's not
like me or you was murdered...
Laura McKnees can't come
back... it's impossible!
BEEFART
We could hire another girl if
you want.. maybe with red hair?
That might be neat... we could
call her Laura McElbows or
something.
CHEENKAW
It wouldn't be the same.
BEEFART
I could put together a charity
organization in her name... the
first time you were dead it
made me feel better.
CHEENKAW
No dice Beefart.. It seems like
all the people I love get
murdered, and I can't take it
any more.. where is the love
Beefart?!! Where is the fucking
love!
BEEFART
Love is a pretty strong word...
I really liked Laura McKnees..
but love?
CHEENKAW
Man.. she was our friend! You
love doughnuts right?
BEEFART
Obviously.
CHEENKAW
Laura was even better than a
doughnut Beefart! She was like
a doughnut that could get us
stuff and talk to us and other
stuff... like remember that one
time she did your laundry when
the washing machine was broken?
I'd like to see a doughnut do
your laundry Beefart...
BEEFART
I'd like to see that too... and
I think you are right.. Laura
was much loved by me as well.
CHEENKAW
Well I can't take it any more
Beefart... no more cases.. no
more killers.. no more people I
know getting murdered... I
quit!
BEEFART
You can't quit.. this is our
life.
CHEENKAW
Watch me...
Cheenkaw gets up and leaves. Beefart cries a tear
into his coffee.
SCENE 3 - BEEFART WALKS THE STREETS IN A LONELY HAZE -
VARIOUS STREETS
Beefart is walking around all alone on the streets
looking for Cheenkaw... he is thinking to him self.
There is some kind of cheesy sad rock music playing.
(would be nice if it was raining. Kind of like that
one Cory Heart video?)
BEEFART
(thinking)
He has been gone almost a week!
Where the hell could he have
gone? What am I supposed to do?
SCENE 4 - DEATH! -
SCENE 5 - A PLEA FOR HELP - POLICE STATION /
CHEENKAW'S DINING ROOM HQ
Beefart is sitting at the kitchen table looking
miserable when suddenly the phone rings.
BEEFART
Beefart and Cheenkaw and Laura
McKnees Detective agency...
Beefart here.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Beefart? It's the Chief of
Police.
BEEFART
Chief? What are you doing
calling me at this hour?
CHIEF OF POLICE
It's 2 O'Clock in the after
noon Beefart.. anyway listen to
me, we got a nasty murder on
our hands.. and quite frankly
everyone down here is stumped..
so I thought I would see if you
boys may wanna have a go at it.
BEEFART
Chief, Laura is dead.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Oh stupid, that's right... I
totally forgot... my
condolences, but the fact of
the matter is you and Cheenkaw
can handle anything without
her.. I've seen you do it.
BEEFART
Chief, Cheenkaw is missing..
he's been gone almost a week.
CHIEF OF POLICE
That is a problem.. why didn't
you file a missing persons
report?
BEEFART
You know more than anyone how
much good that would do.
CHIEF OF POLICE
True that, Old Beefart.... You
know what though, I may
actually be able to help you..
if you can help me.
BEEFART
What do you mean?
CHIEF OF POLICE
Well Beefart, what I'm going to
do is this, there is a man I
want you to meet, he has worked
with some of the most important
people on Earth, and has
basically been able to preform
miracles.. I won't tell you any
more than that, but he may be
able to solve some of your
problems.. In turn you can help
me solve mine.
BEEFART
Where do I find this mysterious
man?
CHIEF OF POLICE
You can meet him tomorrow
afternoon.. In the Tap Town
forest.
SCENE 6 - DEATH! -
SCENE 7 - REMEMBERING OLD FRIENDS - CEMETERY /
LAURA'S GRAVE
Beefart is at the grave of Laura McKnees, he is all
sad and puts a bunch of carrots on it.
BEEFART
That's enough mourning for one
day... Now off to find this
mysterious stranger.. And
hopefully Cheenkaw as well.
He shoots his gun in to the clouds and walks off.
SCENE 8 - MEETING WITH THE CAVE MAN - WOODS
In the dark woods Beefart is sneaking around behind
trees looking for the mysterious man he was sent to
talk to, he sees something moving from behind one of
the trees, all of a sudden it is behind him, and to
the left, and to the right.. This creature seems to
be everywhere lurking in the shadows, suddenly
Beefart turns around and the Cave Man is standing
directly in front of him.
THE CAVE MAN
You must be Beefart, I was told
you would be coming to see me.
BEEFART
Yes that's me.
Beefart looks the Cave Man up and down.
BEEFART (CONT'D)
I don't mean to be rude, but
aren't you Cheenkaw's
grandmother?
THE CAVE MAN
As you can see, my son, I am no
one's grandmother.. As a matter
of fact, I am all man. One
hundred percent man... From top
to bottom.. MAN. That is why
they call me CAVE MAN.
BEEFART
Oh.. You just look very much
like my old friend Cheenkaw's
grandmother.
THE CAVE MAN
If your friend's grandmother
happens to be the legendary
Sasquatch, then it is
understandable.. As I have been
told I look like that handsome
woman in the past.
BEEFART
As a matter of fact, she is the
Sasquatch.
THE CAVE MAN
I see... down to business,
perhaps we should go to my
office. Follow me.
Beefart and the Cave Man walk off, The next shot they
are sitting on the ground, and there is some office
supplies scattered about.
BEEFART
Cave Man, why is it that I was
sent to you.
THE CAVE MAN
Well not only am I completely
and totally a man in every way
possible, but the other part of
my name suggests that I am also
a cave.
BEEFART
I don't understand.. You are a
cave?
THE CAVE MAN
No, my beautiful friend.. I
build caves.. All kinds of
caves. I am a genius with
caves.. The greatest cave
builder in the history of man
kind.. And when I say man kind
I refer to my own kind, for I
am nothing but a man.
BEEFART
And if you build me a cave it
will solve all my problems?
THE CAVE MAN
I imagine so.. It usually does.
Beefart shakes the Cave Man's hand.
BEEFART
Thank you Cave Man, you are a
true friend, please notify me
when the cave is complete.
Beefart gets up and walks off.
SCENE 9 - EVIDENCE! - POLICE STATION - STREET
(BEEFART ON HOME MADE CELL PHONE)
Beefart is walking down the street when there is a
delightful chime coming from his suit, he pulls out
several electronic devices hooked together with piles
of wire and attached to a house phone, he picks up
the phone.
BEEFART
Beefart here, oh hi Chief, no
I'm not at the office, I am on
my mobile phone. yes.. Yes...
Yes it works fine.. No i don't
need a new one... Okay.. Yes...
Okay I will come right down to
the station.
He hangs up the phone.
BEEFART (CONT'D)
(Thinking for a moment)
Damn it.. Cheenkaw drives, I
have the gun. That's not going
to help me get downtown.
SCENE 10 - TRANSIT TIME - BUS
A shot of Beefart riding the bus.
SCENE 11 - EVIDENCE PART 2! - POLICE STATION
Beefart walks in to the Chief's office, The Chief is
standing behind a table marked evidence. The is
spider webs, apples and a bloody machete.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Beefart! It's about time you
got here! I trust you met up
with The Cave Man.. I hope this
cave idea works Beefart!
It's costing the city of
Calgary 47 million dollars!
BEEFART
Really?
CHIEF OF POLICE
Yes really! Now listen up you
sissy! I got this evidence here
that I need your help with, it
is blowing my mind, and I can't
understand it at all.
BEEFART
Show me what you got Chief..
And I will use my powers of
thinking to help.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Okay Beefart.. This stuff was
littered up all over the crime
scene...
The Chief motions at the items.
CHIEF OF POLICE (CONT'D)
Webbing and apples... And a
machete.
BEEFART
Well... The webbing and apples
were obviously there because of
the Spidapple people, who I
have heard reports of being in
the area. The government
doesn't want us to know about
their existence.. And on this
particular occasion I think the
government may be right.. They
are ruthless and horrible
creatures .. From what I
gather.
The machete on the other hand
is a mystery and should be
checked out under a microscope.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Well until your special cave is
complete we won't have the
equipment to fully analyze
this. Beefart! Don't let me
down!
BEEFART
I won't chief.. Relax.. There
is one man who could analyze
this and anything else you
thrown at him using nothing but
a baseball card, a pack of
matches and what ever else you
happen to have laying around.
CHIEF OF POLICE
I don't believe it.
BEEFART
Would you believe Mother
Murphy's coffee cakes?
There is a long silence.
CHIEF OF POLICE
No.
BEEFART
Well you don't need to.. Just
believe me.
SCENE 12 - THE GLOWING CRYSTAL - WOODS / DIG SITE
The Cave man is digging a hole.. With a spoon.
THE CAVE MAN
This is going to be the best
cave ever... I will get the key
to the city for this one....
He hits something hard in the ground and pulls out a
large glowing crystal.
THE CAVE MAN (CONT'D)
Well hello there my friend..
Where did you come from?
The Cave Man holds the crystal up to the sky.
THE CAVE MAN (CONT'D)
And so it was to be fate! And
the Crystal shall find a home
within this cave of all caves!
And it is to be the greatest of
all caves! Built by a man.. A
man of all men.. A man who is a
man and nothing but a man in
all his manly ways.. For I am
that man.. The Cave Man!
He puts the crystal aside and starts digging in the
dirt again.
SCENE 13 - RATCLIFF KNOWS - DR. RATCLIFF'S LABORATORY
Beefart walks in to Ratcliff's laboratory holding the
machete. Ratcliff looks up.
RATCLIFF
Beefart, is that you? I haven't
seen you in years! Not since
that horrible day in the field
when I had that Axe stuck in my
chest and you had your head
twisted around backwards...
I'm glad to see you have
recovered as fully and
completely as I have.
BEEFART
It's good to see you as well
Ratcliff, but today I am here
on urgent Police related
business... Could you possibly
tell me where this machete came
from, and who used it to kill?
RATCLIFF
That shouldn't be a problem.
Ratcliff looks around on his laboratory bench. He
picks up some tape, and some sunflower seeds and he
reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cheese
sandwich. He spreads the sunflower seeds on the table
and puts the tape over top of them so they stick and
make a string of sunflower seeds, he then puts one
end of the sunflower seed string in to the cheese
sandwhich and the other on top of the macete.
RATCLIFF (CONT'D)
Do you have some bubble gum?
BEEFART
No problem.
Beefart takes some gum out of his mouth and gives it
to Ratcliff who uses it to stick the sunflower seed
string to the machete. He then hooks up a usb cable
from his computer to the cheese sandwich and hits
enter.
RATCLIFF
This is it.. This is the moment
of truth...
On the computer screen appears a large picture of Bo
Bo! The insane killer dressed as a clown!
Beefart freaks out and drops to the floor begging god
for answers to this most horrible of revelations.
SCENE 14 - DEATH! -
SCENE 15 - A CALL FROM THE CAVE MAN - POLICE STATION -
BAC CAVE
Beefart is at the Police station with The Chief. The
Chief is pacing back and forth and looking panicked.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Well what are we supposed to do
now? Bo-Bo is back? This is
ridiculous! Not in my 45 years
of service on the Police force
has there been a more deadly
adversary than the menace of Bo
Bo!
BEEFART
Tell me about it.. Every time
me and Cheenkaw when up against
Bo-Bo at least 15 to 20 people
were murdered! We were luck
that we had our old friend Rolf
Tompson to help us back then...
But now there is no Rolf
Tompson.. And no Cheenkaw
either.
The phone rings and the Chief picks it up.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Uh huh... Uh huh... Thank you.
He puts the phone back down.
CHIEF OF POLICE (CONT'D)
Good news Beefart, It was the
cave man.. He has completed the
Cave.
SCENE 16 - FINDING CHEENKAW - BAC CAVE
Beefart goes through a secret door in the side of a
hill and arrives inside the BAC Cave.. It is like the
Bat Cave, only shitty. All the computers and machines
are being run and powered from the giant glowing
crystal that the Cave Man found. Beefart is excited.
BEEFART
This is my cave?
THE CAVE MAN
Yes, I have made it for you..
Use it how ever you feel right.
BEEFART
I love it! You are amazing,
Cave Man!
Beefart gives the Cave Man a huge hug. The hug lasts
a long time.
THE CAVE MAN
I should point out that I am
man enough not to find this
uncomfortable in the least, and
to be honest, it pleases me.
BEEFART
Fantastic! You are a true
friend, and a true cave Man.
Now I think I need to get to
work to find my dearest friend
in the whole universe,
Detective Cheenkaw.
THE COMPUTER
Hello Beefart.
BEEFART
(Looking around)
Who's there?
THE COMPUTER
It is I, The Computer.. I am
here to satisfy any and all of
your every needs.
BEEFART
That sounds fantastic, but
first I must find my dearest
friend Cheenkaw.
THE COMPUTER
Nothing simpler, Just touch the
controls to your right.
Beefart goes for the controls.
THE COMPUTER (CONT'D)
A little higher.. now a little
to the left.. Ahhhhh.. Those
are the ones.. Perfect.
Beefart messes around with the controls and a map
appears on one of the screens.
BEEFART
There he is! Up on Armistice
Mountain... Why is the hell is
he way over there?
SCENE 17 - RAVEN-CAW AND THE LOVE FEST - HILLS
Cheenkaw is sitting out side with his three wives. He
is dressed up like a hippy and is playing a guitar
and singing a song about love.. there is a pathetic
make shift tent behind them. Beefart and the Cave Man
walk up, and Cheenkaw stops his song.
CHEENKAW
Beefart! My dearest and oldest
friend! You are here!
Beefart runs up and hugs Cheenkaw for a long time,
Cheenkaw's wives look uncomfortable.
BEEFART
Cheenkaw! I misses you so much!
What are you doing here?
CHEENKAW
I have given my life to the
quest for love Beefart. I
walked to the mountains and set
up a new home for myself.. Far
from the reaches of murder and
death.
BEEFART
Who are your friends?
CHEENKAW
These are my wives, Beefart..
This is Rainbow Moon Dance, and
Happiness Pony Star Shine, and
also Sunflower Hemp Lover.
BEEFART
Hello Ladies, I am Beefart.
RAINBOW MOON DANCE
Yes, we know.. Cheenkaw talks
about you.. A lot.
HAPPINESS PONY STAR SHINE
He sometimes even draws
pictures of you and pins them
up in the tent where we live.
SUNFLOWER HEMP LOVER
Sometimes he calls me Beefart.
CHEENKAW
That is neither here nor
there.. My question is.. Why
have you sought me out, old
friend?
BEEFART
And my answer is one simple
compound word, old friend....
Bo-Bo.
Cheenkaw's face changes and looks serious and
determined.
CHEENKAW
Well that does it. Ladies.. I
have to leave now.. I won't be
coming back.
Cheenkaw picks up a tie from the ground and starts
putting it on.
SUNFLOWER HEMP LOVER
But what are we to do now that
you are off on your important
mission?
THE CAVE MAN
Have no fear my lovelies, I,
The Cave Man will step in to
Cheenkaw's place and become the
husband you needed from the
start.
The ladies look at each other and nod and smile.
RAINBOW MOON DANCE
We agree with your deal, and
will happily take you on as our
new husband.
CHEENKAW
Perfect, it's all settled.
Cheenkaw and Beefart walk away from the group,
Cheenkaw has all his regular Cheenkaw clothes on by
now.
CHEENKAW (CONT'D)
Beefart, old friend, this may
be our most exciting adventure
yet.
BEEFART
I know Cheenkaw... There will
be many obstacles, and great
things to overcome, but we will
do it, and we will do it with
style.
CHEENKAW
You got it buddy.
BEEFART
Hot Dog!
CHEENKAW
Let's Roll!
Beefart and Cheenkaw walk off in to the sunset
together.
SCENE 18 - RATCLIFF'S DEATH! - RATCLIFF'S LABORATORY
Ratcliff is in his lab working on some things. Bo-Bo
walks up behind him without him noticing. Bo-Bo pulls
out a knife and makes a noise, Ratcliff spins around.
RATCLIFF
Bo-Bo! Noooooooo!
Bo-Bo slits his throat, Ratcliff falls on to his
table of experiments, Blood gushes all over
everything.
SCENE 19 - HYPNOTIC SESSIONS - BAC CAVE
Beefart and Cheenkaw walk in to the BAC Cave,
Cheenkaw is looking around.
CHEENKAW
This is some pretty impressive
stuff Beefart, did you say the
Police force paid for
everything?
BEEFART
Yeah they did.. I guess they
really want us to capture Bo
Bo. And they are willing to do
anything to aid us in our
mission.
CHEENKAW
You know Beefart, I am pretty
sure even we can't do this
alone. You know how powerful Bo
Bo is.
BEEFART
But what options do we have?
Our dear friend Laura McKnees
is dead!
CHEENKAW
Beefart.. Even Laura McKnees
couldn't help us know what to
do.
BEEFART
Well what the hell are we going
to do Cheenkaw? I'm so hungry!
Cheenkaw presses a button on the control panel and a
plate of doughnuts appears from nowhere.
CHEENKAW
There you go old friend, relax
and eat up.. I have to make a
phone call.
BEEFART
Who you gonna call?
CHEENKAW
Ghost Master.
BEEFART
What? Are you crazy?
CHEENKAW
No.. I'm only joking my
brother, I am going to call the
mysterious wizard, and sister
to Dr. Ribs... Dr. Coccyx.
BEEFART
Oh.
SCENE 19A - A CONVERSATION WITH COCCYX - BAC CAVE
Dr. Coccyx is sitting in the BAC Cave with Beefart
and Cheenkaw, they have been explaining the
situation.
BEEFART
So that's the situation Dr.
Coccyx, Do you think you can
help at all?
DR. COCCYX
It seems that I can help. Do
you guys no anything about
Hypnotic Sessions?
CHEENKAW
Do I ever! You see Dr. Coccyx,
I have studied with ancient
mystics in the mountains of
Tibet, and they taught me the
true nature of Hypnotics.
DR. COCCYX
Excellent, I am going to put
all three of us in a hypnotic
trance. Computer?
THE COMPUTER
Yes Dr. Coccyx?
DR. COCCYX
Could you please ajust the
lighting to produce a hypnotic
effect?
THE COMPUTER
That is no problem at all.
BEEFART
But.. Dr. Coccyx.. What will
this achieve?
DR. COCCYX
If there is an answer, it will
be told..
They sit down in a circle and the lighting gets all
funky and there is smoke and other nonsense going on.
DR. COCCYX (CONT'D)
I invoke all the powers of the
universe to help us on our
mission to defeat Bo-Bo! If
there is a solution, let it be
shown in the circle of
Majubilee!
All of a sudden The apparition of Rolf Tompson
appears in the middle of the circle.
CHEENKAW
Rolf? Is that you?
ROLF TOMPSON
Yes Cheenkaw, it is me, I am
speaking to you from a parallel
dimension. I was sent here by
the mighty god Osiris so I
could live a normal life after
all the suffering put upon me
by Bo-Bo.
BEEFART
Rolf! Do you know how we can
defeat Bo-Bo?
ROLF TOMPSON
I do... I believe that you
Beefart and You Cheenkaw are
almost mighty and powerful
enough to defeat Bo-Bo. However
you may need help.
I will use my mystic powers to
put coordinates in the
computer, who will then be able
to give you a map leading to
someone who may be able to join
you on your mission.
CHEENKAW
Rolf! When will this all
happen?
THE COMPUTER
Cheenkaw... He's doing it to me
right now.
CHEENKAW
Jesus Rolf.. A computer?
ROLF TOMPSON
Farewell my friends, I hope my
information proves useful.. The
other alternative to destroy Bo
Bo is far too dangerous.
Rolf's image flickers away.
BEEFART
Other alternative? Rolf! What
do you mean?
DR. COCCYX
The hypnotic session is over...
Long live Dr. Coccyx.
She goes in to a weird trance and stays on the floor.
Meanwhile Cheenkaw is getting the map from the
computer.
CHEENKAW
Come on Beefart, we should get
going.. This place looks far.
BEEFART
Alright Cheenkaw... Just one
moment.
Beefart starts hitting the doughnut button on the
computer, after each plate of doughnuts appears, he
moves it to the side and presses the button again,
creating loads of doughnuts.
CHEENKAW
Good idea Beefart, we don't
want to go hungry on our
journey.
SCENE 20 - RATCLIFF COMES ALIVE - MORGUE
In the city morgue The Chief of Police is being
escorted down a long hallway by the Coroner.
THE CORONER
Thanks for coming down Chief..
We just need you to identify
this body.. It's the latest
victim in the Bo-Bo murder
rampage.
CHIEF OF POLICE
No problem.. I just hope those
idiots Beefart and Cheenkaw
will get rid of that creep
soon.. This is really starting
to bum me out!
THE CORONER
Tell e about it.. It is right
through this door, come back up
to the main office when you are
done.
The Chief goes through the door and there is a body
on a table under a sheet.. He goes over and lifts up
the sheet.. It is Ratcliff.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Well Ratcliff.. Looks like Bo
Bo has killed you one last
time.. It doesn't look like you
will survive this attack.
RATCLIFF
(Sitting up)
I... dead...
The Chief jumps back.
RATCLIFF (CONT'D)
I.. Ratcliff... ZOMBIE!
CHIEF OF POLICE
Oh my goodness! How did this
happen?!
RATCLIFF
I.. assume... My experiment ..
Mixed with my blood... Now I...
Ratcliff Zombie! I want human
meat!
CHIEF OF POLICE
Are you going to kill me?
RATCLIFF
It... Not.. In... My ...
Nature. Please get me human
meat...
CHIEF OF POLICE
Well, that shouldn't be a
problem.. We are in the morgue
you know.
RATCLIFF
Excellent... Where Beefart and
Cheeeeenkaw? I.. Ratcliff
Zombie.. Must avenge myself!
CHIEF OF POLICE
(Writing this down)
Alright.. So we get you some
human meat.. And the address to
Beefart and Cheenkaw's top
secret BAC Cave.. Anything
else?
RATCLIFF
Zombie Ratcliff wants....
Shoes..
SCENE 21 - DEATH! -
SCENE 22 - THE RETURN OF LAURA MCKNEES AND A MONSTER!
- NOT LOCH NESS OR LAKE OKANAGAN
Beefart and Cheenkaw are standing at the edge of a
lake.
BEEFART
So this is it.. This is the
location Rolf gave us.. I don't
see anyone.
CHEENKAW
That is a good observation
Beefart, there doesn't seem to
be anyone around.
BEEFART
Should we just wait and see if
anyone appears?
CHEENKAW
Well Beefart, Rolf Tompson did
in fact contact us from another
universe.. I would assume that
his information is accurate.
BEEFART
As accurate as it might be
Cheenkaw, there is no one here.
CHEENKAW
I'm not concerned.. Let's just
wait it out.
Beefart and Cheenkaw stand there waiting when
suddenly The Loch Ness Monster comes out from the
lake.
LOCH NESS MONSTER
Beefart and Cheenkaw I presume.
BEEFART
That's us.. Whom might you be?
LOCH NESS MONSTER
I am the Loch Ness Monster.
CHEENKAW
But we aren't at Loch Ness.
LOCH NESS MONSTER
That is true, and even though
Loch Ness is my home, I do like
to travel.
CHEENKAW
That is understandable.. Are
you the mysterious person we
were sent to meet, mighty Loch
Ness Monster?
LOCH NESS MONSTER
I know of your mission, and I
also know that you were sent
here by a mystic being from
another dimension.. I am
however not the ally you are
looking for.
BEEFART
If you know so much, wise and
powerful guardian of the
waters, then perhaps could you
tell us who this person we seek
is?
LOCH NESS MONSTER
Yes.
They wait for a few moments.
CHEENKAW
Well...
LOCH NESS MONSTER
She is coming...
All of a sudden Laura McKnees comes up from the
water.
BEEFART
Laura!
CHEENKAW
Laura! I thought you were dead!
LAURA
I was dead.. I am not the Laura
McKnees you once knew
She splashes her tail out of the water.
LAURA (CONT'D)
As you can see.. I am a
mermaid... I was reincarnated a
couple weeks ago in to this
form, and quickly grew to the
amazing Mermaid you see before
you now.
BEEFART
Laura! But.. Will you keep
aging at an astonishing rate
and by next week be an old
woman?
LAURA
No Beefart, the rapid aging
process is now complete.
CHEENKAW
The science, and wizardry of
this amazing revelation is mind
blowing and almost totally
confusing... But my question to
you, Laura, is will you help us
on our mission to defeat Bo-Bo?
LAURA
Of course I will.. You are my
partners, and I am and always
have been your secretary. And
without me you are useless.
BEEFART
I wouldn't say useless.
LAURA
I would.
Cheenkaw goes down by the lake and picks Laura up in
his arms... She indeed has a fish tail.
CHEENKAW
We will take you to the BAC
Cave, and sort all this out..
Thank you Loch Ness Monster for
delivering Laura the Mermaid to
us.
LOCH NESS MONSTER
The pleasure was all mine.
Beefart, Cheenkaw, and Laura McKnees the Mermaid in
Cheenkaw's arms walk away from the Lake.
SCENE 23 - A DECISION ABOUT LEGS - BAC CAVE
Laura McKnees is in a bathtub at the BAC Cave.
CHEENKAW
Laura, I hate to say it, but
you aren't much use to us if
you have to be in the bath all
the time.
BEEFART
I would have to agree with
Cheenkaw Laura. You are a
useless addition to our team..
No matter how happy I am that
you are alive.
LAURA
So what.. You guys are just
gonna go off and save the world
while I sit here for the rest
of my life? You should have
left me in the Lake if that was
the plan.
CHEENKAW
It's true.. We should have left
you in the lake.
BEEFART
No.. There has to be a
solution.. We just need to
think of one.
Beefart and Cheenkaw think very very very very hard.
LAURA
How about I get some fancy new
legs?
CHEENKAW
And I know just the person who
could perform such a task!
SCENE 24 - RATCLIFF WALKS LIKE A ZOMBIE - STREET
Ratcliff is walking the streets like a zombie.. Very
slowly.
SCENE 25 - BEEFART CHEENKAW AND LAURA WAIT - BAC CAVE
BEEFART
He sure is taking his time...
CHEENKAW
He didn't sound well when I
called.
LAURA
This is ridiculous... it has
been over 5 hours... I happen
to know that his lab is only 4
blocks away.
SCENE 26 - RATCLIFF WALKS LIKE A ZOMBIE SOME MORE -
STREET
Ratcliff continues to walk like a zombie down the
street.
SCENE 27 - RATCLIFF OPERATES - BAC CAVE
BEEFART
It has been 9 hours since we
called... I'm gonna do the
operation myself.
LAURA
Oh no you aren't... I want a
real doctor.
BEEFART
I am a doctor.
LAURA
A doctor of what?
BEEFART
I have PhDs in both
Cryptozoology and
Doughnutology.
LAURA
But do you know how to saw my
body in half and give me
working human legs?
BEEFART
How hard can it...
Suddenly Ratcliff comes in.
CHEENKAW
Ratcliff, you look terrible! Do
you think you can saw Laura in
half and give her working human
legs?
RATCLIFF
Zombie Ratcliff can do
anything.
LAURA
Finally someone I can trust.
RATCLIFF
Beefart.. Give me sharp thing.
BEEFART
You got it dr. Ratcliff.
Beefart hands him a saw.
SCENE 28 - THE CHIEF TRIES TO BE A HERO - STREET
The Chief of Police is on the street with Officer
Fredrico.
CHIEF OF POLICE
According to the tip we got,
there was a Bo-Bo sighting just
around here some where.
OFFICER FREDRICO
Shouldn't we wait for Beefart
and Cheenkaw? After all.. They
are the Bo-Bo experts.
CHIEF OF POLICE
I don't see why we can't do
it.. We are just as capable as
those two clowns!
OFFICER FREDRICO
But we paid for that whole cave
thing and everything.. We
should maybe just leave it to
them.
CHIEF OF POLICE
What, so they can get all the
glory? I'm as tough as any
Cheenkaw.
Suddenly Bo-Bo is behind Officer Fredrico and he
slices his throat from behind. The blood shoots out
all over The Chief's face. He screams like a girl and
runs away.. Bo-Bo follows.
SCENE 29 - A SUCCESSFUL OPERATION AND A CALL TO
ACTION - BAC CAVE
Laura is standing in the middle of the cave checking
out her fancy new legs, Ratcliff is over in the
corner feasting on human meat.
LAURA
Alright.. Now that I am back in
action and mobile, what should
we do first?
CHEENKAW
Well, Beefart, you used this
crime computer to track down my
whereabouts.. Perhaps we can do
the same thing with Bo-Bo?
BEEFART
Sounds like a good plan
Cheenkaw... Computer, Can you
give us the exact location of
Bo-Bo right now?
THE COMPUTER
Oh Beefart.. Unfortunately I
can not do that.. You see my
tracking capabilities only work
with Cheenkaw and yourself, as
you were both injected with a
special coloured dye at birth.
CHEENKAW
We were?
THE COMPUTER
Sorry if I spoiled the suprise.
BEEFART
Who would have done such a
strange thing to Cheenkaw and
myself?
THE COMPUTER
Do you really want to know?
CHEENKAW
Yes! If some one has had some
kind of bizarre plan for
Beefart and myself which was
hatched atr our birth and it
involves injecting Baby Beefart
and Baby Cheenkaw with coloured
dye.. I want to know who did
it!
THE COMPUTER
The answer lies within my
zipper.
Cheenkaw looks down and there is a zipper in the
control panel.. He opens it up and takes out an
envelope.
BEEFART
This is it Cheenkaw.. The
moment we have been waiting for
for the last 3 minutes...
LAURA
Will you idiots just open the
letter already! The suspense is
killing me!
CHEENKAW
Laura.. I don't want you to die
again.. It caused me to live in
the mountains and take on 3
extremely good looking wives
last time...
LAURA
It did?
BEEFART
That is neither her nor there
Laura... Cheenkaw.. Open the
letter!
Cheenkaw opens the letter.
CHEENKAW
All it says is Nathaniel
Wiseburg.. What could that
possibly mean?
LAURA
It is the name of the person
who injected you with coloured
dye at birth.
BEEFART
I don't know anyone named
Nathaniel Wiseburg.
CHEENKAW
Anyway... The point is we can
not locate Bo-Bo via our
useless computer
THE COMPUTER
Hey!
BEEFART
I guess we do it the old
fashioned way, old friend.
CHEENKAW
Everyone! To the Cheenkaw
Mobile!
SCENE 30 - SHENANIGNS IN THE CHEENKAW MOBILE -
CHEENKAW MOBILE
This scene is 45 minutes of non stop improvised
shenanigans between Laura McKnees, Beefart and
Cheenkaw... It ends with this diologue:
BEEFART
Holy crap is that a space ship
in the sky in front of us?
CHEENKAW
Yes Beefart, it would appear
so.
LAURA
Let's get out and see what they
want.
CHEENKAW
That is the best idea you have
had since you were reincarnated
as a mermaid, sawed in half and
had my ex-wive's legs sewn on
to you!
(There is a quick shot of Sunflower Hemp Lover and
the Cave Man sitting in the hills, she has no legs)
SUNFLOWER HEMP LOVER
Can you carry me to the toilet?
THE CAVE MAN
I hate you.
SCENE 31 - ALIEN ABDUCTION! - ROAD
Our trio of super crime fighters is out on the road,
there is bright lights all around them.
BEEFART
Cheenkaw! I feel funny!
CHEENKAW
I do to.. All tingly in my
extremities.
LAURA
I feel like a fish out of
water!
BEEFART
I get it.. Because you used to
be a mermaid!
All of a sudden the lights get brighter and the three
of them vanish.. The road is completely quiet.
SCENE 32 - PROBING THE TRIO - ALIEN SPACECRAFT
Beefart, Cheenkaw, and Laura McKnees are in a strange
white room and they are sitting in 3 separate chairs
with all kinds of weird technology attached to them.
They are all unconscious, but all three one by one
wake up in a start.
LAURA
Where the hell are we?
CHEENKAW
I would assume we are on the
space ship we saw.
BEEFART
I would also assume we are
about to be probed.
LAURA
Probed!?!? Are you serious?
BEEFART
I'm pretty sure it's standard
procedure for alien abductions.
LAURA
Oh.. My.. God. The day I decide
to switch my fish parts for
lady parts, and this is the
thanks I get.
CHEENKAW
Laura.. Laura.. Calm the hell
down!
LAURA
Calm down?! Some alien is gonna
probe me... In my delicate
parts!
CHEENKAW
Not unless your brain is
delicate, and I assure you
Laura, your's is not.
BEEFART
It is only going to be a mind
probe.. Your delicate parts are
safe.
LAURA
Oh.. Thank goodness....
All of a sudden the mind probe starts and there is
bright lights and the three of them stare off in to
space.. The voice of Zofloor comes over the intercom.
ZOFLOOR
Relax as I begin the mind
probe.. I assure you it will
not be uncomfortable.. However
you may feel a tingling
sensation in your eye lids and
buttocks.
FADE TO WHITE.
SCENE 33 - A MEETING WITH ZOFLOOR - ALIEN SPACECRAFT
Beefart, Cheenkaw, and Laura are sitting in normal
looking chairs in a nice room. It looks like a study
or a living room, it is very clean. They look at each
other. Cheenkaw isn't wearing his tie.
BEEFART
I wonder where we are now?
CHEENKAW
Me too, old friend.. This last
few hours has been more madness
than usual.
LAURA
It look's like we are in my
grandfather's house by Lake
Okanagan... This is really
weird.
From out of nowhere a brilliant creature made of
light and resembling an apple appears in front of
them. It is Zofloor.
ZOFLOOR
Ha ha.. Laura.. I assure you
that it is not your
grandfather's house you are at
right now, but we did use your
fond memories of that place to
put together this illusion
where you sit now.
BEEFART
Who are you.. And where are we,
if not in Laura's grandfather's
house.
CHEENKAW
Yes, some answers please.. And
why do you look like an apple..
And what have you done with my
tie?
ZOFLOOR
Ahh.. some answers.. Yes. I am
Zofloor, ambassador to Earth
from the planet Spidapple. Our
appearance coincidentally looks
like your earth food.. The
apple, and aside from that we
also posses the relative
strength, powers and agility of
an earth spider.. Right now we
are sitting in my space ship..
But if you were to see how it
actually is, it would melt your
minds with it's amazingness and
super high techness.
CHEENKAW
And my tie.
ZOFLOOR
I don't think you were wearing
one when you came on board.
CHEENKAW
I am quite certain I was,
Zofloor.
ZOFLOOR
That is neither here nor
there.. The reason you three
were brought on board is
because we need your help. We
too have been sent here to
capture Bo-Bo, as he is not
only a menace to Calgary
Alberta Canada.. But a menace
to the whole existence of
reality in the universe.
BEEFART
And you want our help to find
him?
ZOFLOOR
I thought we could help each
other. If you knew of his
weakness?
CHEENKAW
Weakness?
ZOFLOOR
Most things in the universe
have some sort of weakness that
allows clever people to defeat
them.
LAURA
Perhaps my companions are not
clever enough.
BEEFART
Laura! I am extremely clever,
but alas i do not know of Bo
Bo's weakness.
ZOFLOOR
Well, that is too bad, I
thought there might be some way
we could use our advanced
space, and spider powers to put
together a plan.
CHEENKAW
I guess not.. Sorry.
BEEFART
Maybe next time.
ZOFLOOR
I guess I will be seeing you
then.
CHEENKAW
Take care Zofloor!
There is along silence while Beefart, Cheenkaw and
Laura are waiting for something to happen.
ZOFLOOR
I've Got It!
CHEENKAW
What is it Zofloor?
ZOFLOOR
Will the mighty Detective
Cheenkaw please hold out his
hand.
Cheenkaw does it. Suddenly THE DEVICE appears in his
hand.
CHEENKAW
Wow! What is this?
ZOFLOOR
It is the Device.. It has many
mystical space powers.. One of
which is communication with me
no matter where you are.
LAURA
What other mystical powers does
it have?
ZOFLOOR
Some that might be of great
interest to you young
McKnees... And some other
stuff.. It is all pretty
technical.
LAURA
That is useful info.. Thanks.
The trio fade away.
ZOFLOOR
Good luck my friends, and don't
hesitate to call if you need
me!
SCENE 34 - DEATH! -
SCENE 35 - DR. COCCYX CONTACTS ROLF AGAIN AND MORE
HYPNOTIC SESSIONS - BAC CAVE
Beefart, Cheenkaw, and Laura McKnees are all hanging
out in the BAC Cave, Beefart and Cheenkaw are eating
some doughnuts and Laura McKnees is eating seaweed.
LAURA
So what's the plan now
Cheenkaw?
CHEENKAW
I honestly don't know what to
do.. We are stuck between... a
doughnut and my fist.
Cheenkaw squishes a doughnut.
BEEFART
Where is Doctor Coccyx?
Dr. Coccyx comes out from somewhere.
DR. COCCYX
I'm right here.. I have been
using your computer to find out
more information on various
Wizard related topics.
CHEENKAW
And your conclusion?
DR. COCCYX
Don't trust everything you read
on wikipedia.
LAURA
That's great advice.
DR. COCCYX
Thank you.
BEEFART
Doctor Coccyx, do you think you
could once again help us
contact Rolf Tompson?
CHEENKAW
Good idea Beefart.
DR. COCCYX
That shouldn't be a problem,
everyone form a semi circle.
They all form a semi circle and Dr. Coccyx goes in to
a trance once again.
DR. COCCYX (CONT'D)
I ask all the mystic powers of
this hypnotic session to grant
us communication with the one
known as Rolf Tompson!
Rolf appears again.
ROLF TOMPSON
Hey guys.. What can I do for
you this time?
CHEENKAW
Rolf! We are at a loss... We
can't seem to defeat Bo-Bo.. Do
you have any other siggestions?
BEEFART
What was this 'other
alternative' you spoke of
earlier?
ROLF TOMPSON
I see you are indeed in
desperate need of help. You may
recall years ago, one of the
first times I defeated Bo-Bo..
I used a special scepter. When
I defeated Bo-Bo the scepter of
Osiris was broken in half and
split in to two different
pieces scattered across time
and space.. If you can find
these two pieces of the scepter
and reassemble it, it will not
only have the power of Osiris,
but also the power of myself,
Rolf Tompson.
BEEFART
And that will lead us to Bo-Bo?
And help to destroy him?
ROLF TOMPSON
It should.
CHEENKAW
This is fantastic! Do you know
where the pieces of the scepter
of Rolf Tompson are?
ROLF TOMPSON
No, I'm afraid not.. If I was
to have access to the Scepter,
then I would be too powerful,
even for myself to contain, and
the whole universe would be
destroyed.. All I know is that
one piece of the scepter is
still in your universe.. In
your time.
SCENE 36 - THE CHIEF GETS WHACKED - POLICE STATION
The Police Chief gets in his office at the Police
station and sits down.. He is a bundle of nerves
after the Bo-Bo encounter.
CHIEF OF POLICE
Oh my god... Bo-Bo.. What
should I do? What should I do?
I'll call Beefart and Cheenkaw,
they will know.
He picks up the phone and dials.
CHIEF OF POLICE (CONT'D)
Laura! It's Bo-Bo.. I just saw
him.. He killed Fredrico.. I
don't know what to do!
Suddenly Bo-Bo bursts in to the room the Chief starts
screaming and drops the phone. Bo-Bo pushes a knife
in to his guts.
SCENE 37 - LAURA KNOWS! - BAC CAVE
LAURA
(On the phone and
hanging up)
I think there is something
wrong with the Chief.. He just
saw Bo-Bo.
BEEFART
Seeing Bo-Bo is more than
enough to make a man go crazy.
Laura is looking at the glowing crystal.
LAURA
What is this thing? How does it
power all of these ultra high
tech gadgets in the BAC Cave?
BEEFART
It was found underground while
the cave was being built.
Suddenly the room shakes and Osiris' Voice booms from
the heavens.
OSIRIS
It is I, Osiris. And perhaps I
could help you with your
question Laura McKnees.
LAURA
But.. How.. Did you know my
name?
OSIRIS
I know all things. The Crystal
that powers your mighty
fortress is in fact one half of
the Scepter of Rolf Tompson.
CHEENKAW
So.. We had it here with us all
along?
OSIRIS
Yes. You see I had to hide the
scepter from Rolf Tompson, as
if he were to ever get his
hands on it he would become
more powerful than anything in
the universe.
BEEFART
Yes, we know.
OSIRIS
But do you know where the other
half of the scepter is?
BEEFART
No.. We don't.. We were told it
was in another dimension in
another time...
OSIRIS
That is true.
CHEENKAW
Could you tell us where the
other half of the scepter is
Osiris?
OSIRIS
Only if you promise to keep it
away from Rolf tompson, and
never let him know where it is.
CHEENKAW
That shouldn't be a problem. He
lives in another universe.
OSIRIS
Very well.. The second part of
the Scepter of Rolf Tompson is
in the possession of Captain
Metroglass, in the dimension of
Squee, exactly 200 years ago.
BEEFART
Can you send us there to
retreive it?
OSIRIS
I can not.. It is against the
laws of my people to send
outsiders to other dimensions.
However... One of you holds the
secret in their mind as to how
to get there.
The room returns to normal, and everyone is looking
at each other.
CHEENKAW
Well.... I don't know the
secret, Laura, do you know the
secret?
LAURA
I don't think so.. I think if I
knew how to travel to different
dimensions in the past I would
have mentioned something
before. Beefart?
BEEFART
I have a plan.. I think I know
exactly what to do. Cheenkaw,
Laura, gather these items and
meet me in the forest outside
the city..
LAURA
What items?
BEEFART
I need, some rope, a stapler, a
processed cheese slice, a box,
and volume D of an
encyclopedia.. D for
dimensional Travel!
SCENE 38 - YET ANOTHER CEREMONY - WOODS
Beefart id preparing a circle drawn in the ground in
the woods when Cheenkaw and Laura walk up holding the
supplies.
BEEFART
Thank you my friends, the
preparations will only take a
moment.
Beefart puts the encyclopedia on the ground and puts
the box over it, he wraps the rope around the box and
attaches the stapler to the end of the rope, he eats
the processed cheese slice.
CHEENKAW
That looks ridiculous, how will
that get me to another
dimension at the exact
coordinates we need?
LAURA
This doesn't surprise me at
all.
BEEFART
Easy now, my friends of little
faith... I'm not done yet.
Beefart pulls out the alien device and shoots a beam
of light at the stapler, the energy goes along the
rope and surrounds the box.
BEEFART (CONT'D)
Okay, someone step in to the
box and you will be immediately
transported to the destination
we need. Which one of you is
going to go? I need to stay
here and control the device.
CHEENKAW
I'll go.
LAURA
Why do you get to go?
CHEENKAW
Because I am the best looking
out of all of us.
BEEFART
Well said Cheenkaw...
CHEENKAW
How do I get back?
BEEFART
You have 5 minutes to get the
scepter, you will then be
automatically transported back
here.
CHEENKAW
I could do it in 2 minutes. I
am just that good.
BEEFART
Are you serious?
CHEENKAW
Hells yes.
BEEFART
Okay, I will make you return in
2 minutes.. But we only get one
shot at this.
LAURA
Cheenkaw, why don't you just
take the full 5 minutes? Just
in case?
CHEENKAW
Don't be ridiculous...
Beefart.. Bring me back in 1
minute.
BEEFART
Deal.. You will return
automatically in 60 seconds
after you leave.
LAURA
But you could take 5 minutes if
you want to!
BEEFART
He could take as much time as
he wanted, it's up to when I
turn the device off. I just
said five minutes because I
thought thats how long it would
take him to complete this
dangerous and important
mission.
CHEENKAW
Screw it, bring me back in 30
seconds.
Cheenkaw steps in to the box and disappears.
SCENE 39 - CHEENKAW MEETS MADAME PIRATE
Cheenkaw is sitting at a table with a beautiful
pirate woman.
CHEENKAW
I have been sent from an
alternate dimension and from
the future to get the second
half of the scepter of Rolf
Tompspn.. Do you have it?
PIRATE LADY
My goodness.. You just came out
of no where didn't you? Did you
want to buy me a drink?
CHEENKAW
Ma'am.. Do you have the scepter
of Rolf Tompson, it is of the
utmost importance.
PIRATE LADY
Easy big fella.. Yeah I have
the scepter... But what will
you do for me?
Cheenkaw looks at his watch.
Next shot is of the Pirate Lady in a bed, she is
under the covers and you can tell she is unscrewing
her leg, she hands it over to him.
PIRATE LADY (CONT'D)
That was fantastic.. Here you
go Cheenkaw, and good luck on
your mission.
CHEENKAW
No madame Pirate... Thank you.
Cheenkaw Disappears.
SCENE 40 - CHEENKAW RETURNS AND BATTLE FOR OUR
FUTURE! - WOODS
Cheenkaw appears in the box. Laura looks at the
wooden leg.
LAURA
I take back everything I said..
30 seconds.. You are amazing
Detective Cheenkaw.
CHEENKAW
I haven't had any complaints.
He hands the wooden leg to Laura, who starts
assembling the scepter with the two parts.
BEEFART
Now that we have both parts of
the Scepter, we can confront Bo
Bo. What's our next move?
CHEENKAW
Before we do anything else, I
say we get some coffees, get
some doughnuts, and celebrate
my return from the unknown.
BEEFART
Right on Detective Cheenkaw!
That is the best plan you have
had since you got that huge
wood stick from another
dimension.
CHEENKAW
You better believe it.
LAURA
(pointing off in the
distance)
I don't think we have time
guys.. I think the Scepter made
Bo-Bo come to us!
Bo-Bo is crashing through the tree towards them.
BEEFART
Jesus christ, give me the
scepter..
Laura hands the scepter to Beefart. Bo-Bo has now
arrived and is standing before them. Cheenkaw steps
towards him.
CHEENKAW
Bo-Bo.. listen.. I don't want
to have to hurt you, bt as you
can see, we are weilding the
scepter of Rolf Tompson.
LAURA
We don't wanna hurt him? Are
you crazy? Let 'em have it
Beefart!
BEEFART
Cheenkaw is right Laura, if Bo
Bo is willing to come with us
peacefully, it is the better
solution...
CHEENKAW
(Turning to Laura)
Hasn't there been enough
killing for one day Laura?
Hasn't there!?
While his back is turned, Bo-Bo pulls out an axe and
lunges for Cheenkaw.
LAURA
Beefart! Shot him! Shot HIM!
Beefart holds the scepter of Rolf Tompson up and
blasts Bo-Bo with it.. It is holding him still.
Cheenkaw walks away.
CHEENKAW
Thanks old buddy, I nearly bid
farewell to this chapter.
BEEFART
No problem old friend.
LAURA
It is just holding him still!
It isn't destroying him at all!
From behind them Ratcliff the Zombie stumbles past
them and straight towards Bo-Bo.
BEEFART
Ratcliff! What are you doing
here?
RATCLIFF
Ratcliff.. Hungry!
Ratcliff starts eating parts off of Bo-Bo's arm..
There is blood everywhere.
CHEENKAW
Holy Jesus Ratcliff.. Why are
you acting so strange?
Suddenly the is a light from the sky and Bo-Bo and
Ratcliff are both transported up to the Alien space
ship on a beam of light. All is silent and our heros
look confused. There is a ringing coming from
Beefart's pocket, he pulls out the Alien Device.
BEEFART
Beefart and Cheenkaw Detective
agency, Beefart Speaking.
ZOFLOOR
(Voice only)
Thank you for capturing Bo-Bo..
He has been transported to our
ship and we will be taking him
to a distance Prison planet,
for rehabilitation. You will
probably never hear from him
again.
CHEENKAW
But what about Ratcliff?
ZOFLOOR
Your friend Ratcliff is a
zombie, and will go live among
his own kind on the Zombie
Planet.
CHEENKAW
Zombie.. That explains a lot.
LAURA
Zofloor, you mentioned that
this Device would have a
special power that would be
useful to me. What is that
power?
ZOFLOOR
By using this device, you can
change back and forth from
mermaid to human at will.
Laura's face lights up.
BEEFART
Why so happy Laura? Don't you
want to stay human with us?
LAURA
Beefart, Cheenkaw.. I love you
both very much.. But I am
betrothed to the Loch Ness
Monster.. I am to become his
wife..
I knew your mission was so
important I may have to leave
that life forever.. But if I
have a chance to go back to
him...
CHEENKAW
No need to go any further
Laura.. Even Cheenkaw knows
when love is in the air...
Let's get you back to your
Lake.
BEEFART
Congratulations Laura, I can't
wait to see the children.
LAURA
I'm glad you guys understand..
And if you ever need me again..
For anything.. I can still use
this device and become a land
creature again.
CHEENKAW
That's just great.
Beefart and Cheenkaw walk away from Laura...
BEEFART
Well.. Another job well done
old friend, and once again we
have saved the entire universe.
CHEENKAW
It's true.. Now Beefart, let's
go get a bloody doughnut.
BEEFART
Hot Dog!
CHEENKAW
Let's Roll!
THE END.